T.S. Swanky: “Motherhood and Monopoly” [Satire]

(Mother’s Day card, 1916 by Northern Pacific Railway (eBay item card front card back) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)

(Editor’s Note: Former imaginary conservative columnist T.S. Swanky, aka “the voice of reason,” asked to return for he fictionally failed to find suitable employment elsewhere. In southeastern Wisconsin these days conservative commentators are a dime a dozen; in fact, conservatism has become one of Wisconsin’s few growth industries but the supply greatly exceeds the demand. Our technical specialist, Riverboat Sam, was opposed to Swanky’s return, calling him “the most cantankerous, caterwauling purveyor of claptrap I have had the underprivilege of knowing.” Be that as it may, I’ve decided to accept Swanky’s offer, in the spirit of democracy and religious/humanistic compassion, to return without pay, though Swanky himself often displays little of democracy or compassion, especially in his columns. I remind readers that Swanky’s opinions are his own and he does not exist in reality, a trait he shares with many other fictional and real Americans.)

By T.S. Swanky , an imaginary, confused conservative

As Mother’s Day will soon be upon us, a holiday I have always thought a sentimental and unnecessary creation of Big Government (it started as some feminist/pacifist thing, anyway), I want to compare motherhood and corporate monopoly, both of which are given short shrift in this modern world.

I don’t think much of “Mother’s Day”, but I do value the great American institution of motherhood, for without mothers to take care of children, how would capitalism as we know it survive and prosper? Only with kids kept busy and out of the way can true men of vision grow the economy as they see fit. Don’t get me wrong. I like children as much as the next guy but as a nation we need to get our priorities straight.

You’re a single mother? What’s more important? Making money or raising kids? No contest. And if you can’t afford both day care and food, go to some food pantry. Whatever you do, avoid food stamps: You shouldn’t be feeding your kids lobster in Wisconsin, anyway. Not fresh. And sharp cheddar? Just be grateful your kids have any food at all.

You want to be the sort of mother that stays home and raises your own kids? Get a man. Better yet, get a man and a job. No dignity these days in staying home, anyway. Isn’t that what the feminists say? Want respect? Go to work. Be grateful for any pay you get.  A mother staying home is domestic protectionism, that’s what it is. A father staying home? That’s just un-American. It’s treason, too. If women ran the world our economy would collapse they’d be so worried about their children all the time and even the children of foreign mothers.

Motherhood is the backbone of America. It makes profit possible. And if some corporations make a whole lot more profit than others, what’s the big deal? If the free market creates a few really big corporations that dominate their market, so-called monopolies, and these monopolies manage to influence the government and media so that the monopolies are always protected and supported, isn’t this the American Dream? Isn’t this freedom of speech and the pursuit of happiness in action? Isn’t this the essence of entrepreneurship? Get big or get out. That’s the real world, bud.

A child has just one mother, don’t he? (Well, he used to. Nowadays some states claim he can have two.) So being a mother is a monopoly, right? And since motherhood is good, monopoly must be good, too. Would Cheap-Mart be so cheap if it wasn’t also so big and powerful? Cheap-Mart is like your mother. Monopolies give us things we can’t get without them, including jobs. Monopolies take care of us. All they (or it) ask in return is our unthinking loyalty and money. So trust the trusts.

Are there some downsides to monopolies? Sure. But is any mother perfect? I know my mother isn’t.

The only good thing about Mother’s Day is that it helps sell flowers and brunches. It’s good for the economy. So buy your mother some good Columbian flowers  from your big corporate florist and take her out to your big corporate chain restaurant for brunch. Thank your mother and thank God for our great American monopolies.

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