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T.S. Swanky*: “War is Making TRUMP (and US) Great!” [Satire]

By T.S. Swanky, * any resemblance to any actual person or conservative columnist, living or dead, is an astounding coincidence.

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I confess, dear readers, in this inaugural of my posts for The Pacific, that I was one of the many conservative “Never Trumpers” who said publicly before the election that I would under absolutely no circumstances stoop to voting for a guy that the most perspicacious of American columnists, George Will, once called, on television no less, “a bloviating ignoramus.” That Will has a way with insults. I kept my word by voting for myself, writing my full name unabbreviated and unpunctuated on the ballot. If I was Never Trump, I was also Never Never Ever No Way Hillary.

Like the entire nation I was shocked that Trump actually won the Electoral College vote. But like many intellectual conservatives I took solace in the fact that at least the nation was spared the bleeding-heart, feminist, war-mongering liberalism of Hillary Clinton. And as time went on, I found myself becoming a Somewhat Trumper, for Trump, while lacking a certain political polish and burdened with a propensity for misconstruing the truth, was not as liberally-inclined a president as many of us feared. And his sudden distrust of Russia and Putin screams epiphany as the liberal media goes on and on about Russian ties to Trump’s campaign.

I now find that Trump’s reckless, intuitive, going-with-his-considerable-gut style of governing is at times refreshingly anti-cerebral. Trump is proving himself an inscrutable man of erratic action, keeping the nation and our enemies guessing. Stressful? Decidedly not. Call it instead exhilarating! Trump hasn’t been president long, but already he has launched 59 missiles at Syria and dropped the biggest, most bombastic mother of a bomb the U.S. has ever seen on Afghanistan! One, two–boom! Problems solved. Well, almost. Trump showed, let us admit, fabulous restraint. He could have fired a full 60 missiles, and nuked the whole Afghan nation. But he showed his true conservative colors, his inherent frugality and wisely demurred from further violence.

Now Trump the Magnificent has set his sights on North Korea with a manly resolve Obama and Hillary could never match. Yes, I have had my doubts concerning this man Trump and the sort of people he has gathered around himself in the White House. The man is flawed, but what man isn’t? (Yes, the aircraft carrier that the White House said was heading to the Korean Peninsula to show the North Koreans who was boss was actually heading toward the Indian Ocean. A little miscommunication, okay? Could happen to anyone. Running a government is a very complicated business, and it doesn’t matter because the North Koreans probably got the message anyway.)

But, on second thought, I now think that Trump probably lied about that aircraft carrier on purpose! To confuse the enemy and the liberal media, which, as President Trump has pointed out, are really the same thing! What a great man! What a great nation! Thank God we didn’t elect Hillary. She would have gotten us into a whole conglomeration of wars.

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