T.S. Swanky: “Darwin was Right About Health Care” [Satire]

By T.S. Swanky, The Pacific’s imaginary, confused conservative

When liberals say they value scientific theories like evolution and “global warming,” what they mean is that they like liberal science, the kind that makes them feel good about hating religion, industry and America. But what about conservative science, you know, all the research that confirms that corporations, President Trumpet and Republican’t policies are helping to make AMERICA GREAT AGAIN !!! We don’t hear much about that, do we?

Charles Darwin as an ape. Published in The Hornet, satirical magazine, March 1871

Perhaps no greater science has ever been penned than Charles Darwin’s absolutely proven fact of “survival of the fittest.” For the edification of liberals, I provide this selection from the Encyclopedia Britannica about “natural selection”:

The theory of evolution by natural selection was proposed by Charles Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace in 1858. They argued that species with useful adaptations to the environment are more likely to survive and produce progeny than are those with less useful adaptations, thereby increasing the frequency with which useful adaptations occur over the generations. The limited resources available in an environment promotes competition in which organisms of the same or different species struggle to survive. In the competition for food, space, and mates that occurs, the less well-adapted individuals must die or fail to reproduce, and those who are better adapted do survive and reproduce.

There it is in black and white. If, as liberals like to say, humans are just another species and have “evolved” like earthworms, then humans are also part of nature and subject to the law of natural selection. In short, some species are selected to survive and prosper while others are selected to flounder and perish. It’s all about competition and the “struggle to survive.” If it works for species, why wouldn’t it work for people? It’s the will of nature and therefore God; what could be more natural and godly than the free market? Does it seem cruel? Nature, dear snowflakes, is cruel.

Which brings me to the health care debate now ongoing in Congress. The idea that health care is an unalienable right of all Americans flies in the face of Darwin’s science. The great flaw of the Affordable Care Act is that it is a crime against nature: it attempts to keep people healthy and alive who have no natural right to be healthy and alive. Wealth confers some privileges, folks. If you can afford to take care of yourself, you deserve to live, preferably forever. In fact, I will go far as to say that it is a great injustice that the wealthy must die, for it means that even owning the best healthcare money can buy is not good enough. It means the rich will die just like the undeserving poor. Even liberals should be able to see how unfair that is.

Fortunately, the Republican’t Party has come up with a way to right the evolutionary wrong of Obamacare. It’s called the American Health Care Act, and it is, indeed, a good act. It acts to bring the naturally healing wisdom of nature back to the American people! Or, as the AHCA website so stirringly puts it: “The American Health Care Act is the boldest and most conservative health care legislation to come before Congress in decades.” It is a great plan that has been made even better by kowtowing to the House Freedom Caucus with an amendment that gets about as close to the law of tooth and claw as government can get.

You know the brand new AHCA is a great bill because the American Medical Association (which has a vested interest in healing as many people as possible) is still solidly against it. And then there is Representative Fred Upton (call him “Uppity”) from Michigan, a Republican who has found his inner bleeding-heart. Upton thinks that removing coverage for pre-existing conditions is (tear, tear) too draconian. “I’m not at all comfortable with removing that protection,” Upton said. Spicer could do a great mock job on that wimpy excuse.

Any true conservative knows it is not the proper role of government to be concerned with the comfort of its people. Nor does government exist to make its representatives comfortable. This is what comes of providing good health insurance to members of Congress; they start losing sight of being fit, fitter and fittest. They get soft and liberal.

But Darwin’s science is clear: every rich man for himself.  And doesn’t the Bible talk about separating the wheat from the chaff? And you remember what happens to the chaff? Burned up, baby. Only the good, worthy stuff makes it into the barn. Is there any mention of cheap health care in the Bible? No. (The miracles don’t count.) And what did Jesus Christ Himself say to the sick doctor? “Physician, heal thyself.” That’s good advice for all of us.

Update 5/4— I am pleased to report that Rep. Upton has come to his senses and now says he can oppose a whole slew of medical special interests to find it in his heart to support the venerable AHCA. The Upton Amendment is a brilliant maneuver– who can say no to $8 billion dollars? The extra money may be insufficient, as some liberals claim, but the whole point of health insurance, as I have said previously, is to make sure only the truly deserving are rewarded with health. As Darwin probably said somewhere, it is cruel to prolong the life of those destined to fail.


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