By John Kaufman
Discussion in the
Offal Oval Office of The White House via Great Generosity of Russia
Russian Foreign Minister: Hey, Donny. What’s new?
President T.: I get great intel. I have people brief me on great intel every day.
F.M.: No kidding. What’s “intel”?
T. : You know, secret stuff. I know a lot of secret stuff. I’m famous for all the intelligence I got. I’m president, you know.
F.M.: So I hear. Care to share your intelligence? Vladimir would appreciate it.
T. : Nice try. My lips are sold. No, sealed.
F.M.: But you are president! You have an “absolute right” to say anything you want!
T.: You got a point there. I could tell you amazing things. And I do admire Vlad. And Russia is the best. Got the best vodka, the best women, the best president. Wonderful human rights. Doing great things in Syria, too. Sorry for that little missile attack. I did keep it under 60. Showed great restraint, you gotta admit. Thanks for not taking it personally. Had to show a bit of muscle, right? You understand. Didn’t invade, though, like you guys did to that Crime country. Give me some credit. I knew just where to send the missiles. Great intel, as I said. Got the best people, except for all the leakers. Everything I say gets into the media. Most of it’s fake, you know. But at least we got this Russian transcript to show the world the truth! Russia is the best! You got great intel?
F.M. : The best, my friend. Whatever you got, we already know it. Can’t keep any secrets from us.
T.: Then you already know about . . . [unintelligible]
F.M. : Of course.
T.: And you know about the spy we got in [Cleveland?]
F.M. : Where is that again?
T. : Nope. It’s a secret.
F.M. : You’re a sly one, Donny.
T.: Just doing my job. Got a lotta respect for
Putin, though. Amazing guy. Knows how to deal with journalists. Doesn’t fool around. I like that. I’m learning how to keep the media out of my business.
F.M. : Thanks for letting our photographer document this meeting, Donny. I see you didn’t admit any American journalists . . .
T. : Just a courtesy. Glad to do it. Russia got the best photographers. Best everything. Greatest beauty pageants ever. Really good money, too.
F.M. : Well, gotta run. I’ll give V.P. your regards. If you need anything, like a transcript or anything, just let us know.
T. : You’re the best!
[This transcript has been verified as absolutely accurate and totally true by V.P.]