Three Satirists Walk into a Daily White House Press Briefing

The President: “Thank you all for coming, like dogs, again today. And thanks for agreeing to purchase and wear my latest campaign hat with the slogan, “Making Media Grovel Again.” As you know, I have been doing a great job of fighting this virus and–“

Satirist #1 (not wearing a hat): “Mr. President, sorry to interrupt but do you have a source for that?”

President: “Source for what? Hey, where’s your hat?”

Satirist #2 (wearing his hat backwards): “She gave it to me, Mr. President.”

President: “Who are you?”

Satirist #3: “No, sir. Who’s on first.”

President: “First what?”

Satirist #2: “No. I’m sorry. What’s on second.”

Photo by Aaron Kittredge on

Satirist #1: “Excuse me, sir. Who is your source for the claim that you are doing a great job?”

President: “Everybody. Just ask everybody. Anybody will tell you I’m a perfect president.”

Satirist #1 to Satirist #2: “Is this guy a perfect president?”

Satirist #2: “No. But he’s a perfect idiot.”

Satirist #3 (rising from his chair, pointing a stern finger): “I object! People are dying!

President: “Thank you! You work for Fox? Maybe Russia?”

Satirist #3: “I object to you, sir.”

President: “You know, you’re a disgrace.”

Satirist #1: “You got a reliable source for that, sir?”

Satirist #2: “I’d ask his wife.”

Satirist #1: “Sir, does the First Lady think this guy’s a disgrace?”

Satirist #2: “No. No. The lady is on third.”

Satirist #3: “I think he meant my wife.”

President (to Satirist #1): “She thinks what I think, Bozo.”

Satirist #3 (to President): “You know my wife?”

Satirist #1: “Mr. President, I’ve got a question for your Doctor of Disease.”

President: “Ok. Sure. By the way, he thinks I’m doing a great job.”

Doctor Disease: “Trump is my Shepherd. Though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death–“

Satirist #1: Doctor, sorry to interrupt, but is the president lying?”

Doctor: “That is privileged and clinical information.”

Satirist #3 (still risen): “Objection, Your Dishonor!”

Satirist #2 (rising and standing on his chair): “Objection overruled!”

Satirist #3 to Satirist #2: “What? You have no standing in this case.”

Satirist #2 to Satirist #3: “Ha! I’m standing on this chair!”

Satirist #1: “Doctor, does the president have a leg to stand on?”

Doctor: “I have confirmed many times that the president does have at least two perfect legs.”

Satirist #1: “Alright. Let me talk to the guy with legs.”

President: “You are so fake news. So disrespectful.”

Satirist #3: “Objection!”

Satirist #2: “Sustained!”

Satirist #1 (rises to stand on her chair): “No, sir. Just a satirist doing my job.”

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