Within the White House the forecast is “Stormy.”
But the president swears that NOTHING porny

Ever happened with that woman hushed
With money that had NOTHING to do with slush.

Lawyers pay off porn stars all the time
Right before elections . . . with their own dime

Without the knowledge of the one was horny,
Don’t they?  No fury like a woman named Stormy.

By T.S. Swanky,  an imaginary, confused conservative

Civil liberties? Let’s just call them “liberal liberties” from now on.

I was barely recovered from the shockingly disturbing news that President Trump and Steve Bannon were parting ways, when I read that the ACLU, which had bravely stood up for the rights of racists to express themselves in Charlottesville, VA, has now decided that it won’t represent racist haters if the haters are swaggering around with guns.

Hey, guns don’t hate people–people do! Just because you are yelling hateful, bigoted, angry things at people in public does not mean that you intend to shoot them, does it? And whose to say, anyway, that a bullet can’t be considered a form of speech? If money can be speech (thank you Supreme Court!) why can’t the inanimate objects of weapons also be speech protected by the First Amendment and the Second Amendment?

If it wasn’t for muskets and cannons, would we even have a Constitution?

All those protesters that carry those handwritten signs– some of those signs are big enough to hurt someone if used as weapons. And I saw a photograph of somebody about to throw a heavy metal newspaper dispenser at some racist. The news may be fake, but it can hurt if hurled. Is the ACLU not going to defend newspapers now?

Where will it end? Even old Confederate statues are being torn down which is if you think about it a violation of historical free speech rights. If contemporary hate groups have a right to speak their minds, why shouldn’t historical hate groups–like the Confederacy– have a First Amendment right to honor old military racists?

I’m no racist, but who is going to stand up for all our militias that just want to be heard and feared, to carry really big and powerful weapons when they stage public confrontations against the sort of people they hate? Surely the Founding Fathers did not intend to limit armed speech in this way.

What’s next? Outlawing war?

 

Editor’s Note– Here’s a link to a NY Times editorial which addresses the same issue (carrying guns at political protests) in a much more astute, less confused manner. A portion of it follows: 

“The critical question is how to protect peoples’ free speech in the presence of armed opponents. The gun lobby has worked to pass laws in Virginia and other states to prevent local governments from passing restrictions on open carry. But legal researchers point to elements in state laws and Supreme Court decisions saying that the right to bear arms in public is not absolute and must stop short of inducing fear in others. No help should be expected, of course, from President Trump, who was the National Rifle Association’s candidate last year. Ideally, the president should be the first to call for a ban on gun toting at public forums and tighter regulations of the adapted battlefield rifles that the gun industry markets to macho civilians.”

 

By John Kaufman

Discussion in the Offal Oval Office of The White House via Great Generosity of Russia

!Official Transcript!

cc: U.S.A.

Russian Foreign Minister: Hey, Donny. What’s new?

President T.: I get great intel. I have people brief me on great intel every day.

F.M.: No kidding. What’s “intel”?

T. : You know, secret stuff.  I know a lot of secret stuff. I’m famous for all the intelligence I got. I’m president, you know.

F.M.: So I hear. Care to share your intelligence? Vladimir would appreciate it.

T. : Nice try. My lips are sold. No, sealed.

F.M.: But you are president! You have an “absolute right” to say anything you want!

T.: You got a point there. I could tell you amazing things. And I do admire Vlad. And Russia is the best. Got the best vodka, the best women, the best president. Wonderful human rights. Doing great things in Syria, too. Sorry for that little missile attack. I did keep it under 60. Showed great restraint, you gotta admit. Thanks for not taking it personally. Had to show a bit of muscle, right? You understand. Didn’t invade, though, like you guys did to that Crime country. Give me some credit. I knew just where to send the missiles. Great intel, as I said. Got the best people, except for all the leakers. Everything I say gets into the media. Most of it’s fake, you know. But at least we got this Russian transcript to show the world the truth! Russia is the best! You got great intel?

F.M. : The best, my friend. Whatever you got, we already know it. Can’t keep any secrets from us.

T.: Then you already know about . . . [unintelligible]

F.M. : Of course.

T.: And you know about the spy we got in [Cleveland?]

F.M. : Where is that again?

T. : Nope. It’s a secret.

F.M. : You’re a sly one, Donny.

T.: Just doing my job. Got a lotta respect for Putin, though. Amazing guy. Knows how to deal with journalists. Doesn’t fool around. I like that. I’m learning how to keep the media out of my business.

F.M. : Thanks for letting our photographer document this meeting, Donny. I see you didn’t admit any American journalists . . .

T. : Just a courtesy. Glad to do it. Russia got the best photographers. Best everything. Greatest beauty pageants ever. Really good money, too.

F.M. : Well, gotta run. I’ll give V.P. your regards. If you need anything, like a transcript or anything, just let us know.

T. : You’re the best!

[This transcript has been verified as absolutely accurate and totally true by V.P.]

Vladimir_Putin_carrying_his_buddy_Donald_Trump
By DonkeyHotey (Vladimir Putin carrying his buddy Donald Trump) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons